It’s been a while. I am not sure why suddenly blogging felt so distance to myself and many other writers.
Dahulu, kami membesar dengan blog. Kami membina diri dengan blog. We learned the journey about ourselves through our blog.
Many successful people will keep their journal because they can mentally focus on what they really want in their life.
And I, became myself when I’m blogging. It felt so much different than writing a book where I have to think hard enough about the content, the plot and the structure of the sentences, just to ensure it fits the expectation of the readers.
Here, I only have you. And I know you won’t judge me when reading this. Perhaps you are just curious, as much as I curious about other bloggers too. Weirdly, I used to be good in expressing myself in Malay, but now, English seems more connected to my heart. ( I hope you don’t mind sebab rasa macam if tulis melayu ni mesti tulisan cam tulis kat wassap huhuh).
Since this blog has been ancient for a while, and I guess the only reason I am sharing this is because perhaps not many people will bother to read blog again unless they really search for it ( like when I did search for my partner’s blog and found astonishing writing of her’s and glad that I have chosen her as CEO of our publication company).
And truly if you really read this, you are really honest to know and learn, so perhaps I dont have to seal my story just to myself. Or perhaps, you would not repeat the same mistakes as I did before ( and this is the biggest purpose why I am writing this entry).
So here is my story.
I never really thought that I would be involved in business. I have planned it somewhere in my life, maybe when I was 40. My life is all about giving dakwah as it best. Cause I find my purpose of life in it. I found an enjoyment as well as resentment, but dakwah always keep me going.
Maybe it’s because I get connected to people. I learned about them. Inspire them, and drive them to be a better person. And it gives me such a rewarding feeling.
I have once had about 35 anak usrah in a year. It was my second year of housemanship. Maybe it was the rollercoster time of my life apart from now. Having difficulty in my marriage, having new 18 anak usrah in 1 usrah, having 1 usrah online in Russia, and another usrah penggerak in Scotland, combine together with Leeds, it was hectic but yet, it was really wonderful moment. I really treasure my time with all of them. And we still feel connected until today. I was also leader of dakwah group in Scotland ( Mas’ulah Scotland), and alhamdulillah, able to finish off my houseman on time.
Never I thought, the struggle that I experienced, equipped me to the day Allah has planned for me.
Dakwah in UK thought me about management and efficient. Management of time and people, efficient in resources.
I never really passion about anything apart from dakwah. I was used to prioritise to deliver any sort of dakwah to the public, especially in tarbiah. I understand my mutarabbi like I understand my ownself, and that set another path that i never thought I would embark in.
When I came back to Malaysia, life is so much different. I struggle a lot. With marriage. With family. With money. I was broken when I came back. Money and soul. I was forced to leave dakwah cause I have given such bad impression about how I manage my life.
A lot of people query about my life especially my marriage life, but only who close knit really knows. And really it has affected the way I see myself for about a year or so, until I found greater purpose in life, encompasses of what I believe in, that is; business for dakwah.
I never thought I would able to start bussiness with my partners, in making Islamic magazine, then Islamic bookshop then Islamic book publication, in the midst of having a great difficulty in my personal life. But Allah has helped me a lot. And He sent me angels among my family and friends who supported me a lot and give me strength to breath again.
Was it escapism? Not really sure, but all I know, helping other people, to get to know Allah, at the same time, providing a job to others are much more important than thinking about my problems.
We had work it out ( my ex and I), trying to get a lot of people’s help, at the end, after a lot of syura and suggestion from my family and my murabbis, we have to end the marriage.
You see, I was trying to potray how good a couple married under help baitul muslim is. How good is when an ukhti is married with an akh, who are equally quite active in dakwah. But never can we deny that one particular fact in marriage;
” Dalam perkahwinan ini, ada hubungan manusiawi yang anti perlu perhatikan. Ana tak rasa dia ada rasa suka pada anti.”
Among 8 murabbis that I consulted before my marriage, there is one murabbi who knows me since I was primary school ( actually senior sekolah), who against our marriage. Obviously I proceed since other 7 seems quite ok.
But after struggled to make things work for 2 years, his words keep haunting me. Until now.
” Jangan abaikan faktor manusiawi dalam perkahwinan. Perlu ada rasa cinta dan suka sebelum berkahwin.”
Duh. It’s hard though. Come on. I was busy doing dakwah and yeah , ikhtilat seems to be a major sin among pendakwah that time ( don’t get me wrong on this. We all see ikhtilat in different ways when come back to malaysia and when working with other people). Really I dont have time to get to know people, let go date and fall in love. Infatuation and minat tu biasa, and that’s what I felt toward my ex before accepting his proposal.
Anyway, the point is ( if cerita semua nanti cam tak de can nak tulis satu buku tentang ni kan hihih), Allah has better plan for us. Sometimes kita rasa kita dah plan hidup kita properly. Kita dah choose the right person. Tapi, Allah nak tarbiahkan kita sesuatu yang sangat besar dalam hidup kita. Allah nak ajarkan kita kesabaran luar biasa yang tak dapat kita hadapi bila kita hidup seperti orang lain.
Dan apa yang paling besar saya belajar , dan sangat sedih untuk menerima hakikat ini adalah;
Akhawat pun boleh sangka buruk, dan menyalahkan ukhti itu sendiri bila datangnya isu penceraian! ( oh man , this really broke my heart! Ada ke even akhawat yang kenal lama dengan saya cakap masalah ini puncanya adalah saya? Memang harus bersabar atas kesabaran. tapi itu buat saya belajar banyak benda).
Memang ramai orang akan menyalahkan perempuan bila datang isu penceraian. Not sure why we have that mentality. Of course ramai setelah itu berjumpa saya untuk consult tentang masalah perkahwinan, and I know I was not alone facing this problem.
But alhamdulillah, I came back strong. I became more involve in dakwah. In total, opened up 5 companies, close another 3 and now focus only on 2 companies, managed to write up 6 books, completed my masters, became medical specialist and…….
And my ex, I was trying to help him come back to dakwah initially ( well adalah story yang lain2), cause I know it might be difficult for him to be back in dakwah compare to me ( since I have many connections back in my earlier dakwah days in malaysia/al-amin, whereas he only started to know dakwah in UK), but at the end, memang up to that person willingness to strive in this path.
I have move on, and perhaps there is more exciting things ahead of me , including getting to know new person. And really open up my horizon to think that, sebenarnya jodoh kita bukanlah harus dikalangan ikhwah akhawat pun ( cause i really strong headedly think initially this is the case), malah mungkin lebih baik dengan orang luar, walaupun idealnya memang perlu cari orang sesama jemaah. Tetapi sesama jemaah juga punya kelemahan yang kita harus terima secara manusiawinya, namun tidaklah menjadi alasan untuk kita membesarkan kesalahan masing-masing.
Cukuplah ia menjadi satu pengajaran, dan pembelanjaran yang besar. Barangkali Allah hendak mengetuk keegoan saya yang strict atas benda tak perlu. Barangkali Allah nak saya melihat bahawa semua ikhwah akhawat adalah manusia dahulu sebelum pendakwah. Yang punya hati, perasaan, dan tentunya kesalahan!
Dan tentunya supaya saya membuka hati bahawa, barangkali yang tidak berada dalam jemaah itulah penyokong yang terbaik untuk diri kita. Supaya kita tak terkongkong dan terperangkap dalam pemikiran yang satu, dan lebih mudah menghargai….
Cukup dulu cerita saya kali ini. Jika ada lagi points, saya akan share.