I was trying to be strong

Posted on

Salam

After thinking hard, ( and a lot), I have decided to re-public this blog again. Ramai yang kata banyak manfaat dapat dari blog ini. Entri-entri lama yang saya tulis dari hati dan pengalaman saya.

When I read back all my writing, I was wondering to myself:

‘ Do I wrote  all of these last time?’

Rasa macam individu berbeza. So much things has happened and I miss good old days when purity come first and none of the external factor can wind you down.

And now I even prefer to write in English than Malay. Walaupun saban hari masih lagi menghadap artikel-artikel melayu untuk diedit.

Salah satu sebab mengapa blog ini ditutup juga adalah sebab terlalu banyak benda personal saya kongsikan di sini. But I guess ramai orang suka belajar dari pengalaman dari fakta. Sebab itu masih ramai yang jengok di blog ini walaupun sudah berhabuk dan kusam.

And saya selalu kecewa dengan diri sendiri, kerana I already lost the ‘ feelings ‘and ‘touch’. and I know nanti ada orang kata, kenapalah downlah, patutnya betulkan niatlah. Kalau faham takkan nak berhentilah, bla bla bla bla.

Owh well. I guess I have to accept that I am also a human being. I am just a person. Ada masa futur dan semangatnya. It just felt so depressed to look ok in front of everybody when u r not ok.

I felt so stress out when I received the invitation utk sampaikan pengisian daurah sedangkan saya sendiri tidak berpijak di medan yang mereka sedang beramal. saya hanya orang luar yang sampaikan bahan dan fakta. and i hate that feeling. And ppl would look woaaahh on you, but you know deep inside you, you already at the lowest ground. Even deep down beyond the soil.

I just know it.

I already lost the touch.

And malaysia made me so. It’s already almost more than a year since I came back from UK, trying to fit in with the new environment. I just couldnt make it. I felt lost. I dont know where am i going. and ppl keep inviting you kasi ceramah situ dan sini, meeting itu dan ini, until you dont know where the direction is.

All angle of dakwah in Malaysia is equally important. kerana medannya lebih luas. Para rijal/duatnya begitu juga. Sukar untuk generasi berbeza untuk beramal dengan amal yang sama dengan thullab. it just could not happen. Sebab takungan mad’u dan keperluan dakwah sangat menata di seluruh tempat. And you just don’t know where you are going. With own tarbiyah, with tarbiyah mutarabbi dan lain-lain.

Tidak ada yang mendepresskan melainkan, tidak tahu apa nak buat. Cause this is not my place. And dakwah sudah berpijak lama di sini. and kalau orang tak kenal kita, sukar untuk orang melibatkan kita. Sedangkan hati ini meronta untuk fit in dan rasa kebersamaan itu. Tapi, sedihnya, no matter i tried. ia sukar terjadi.

And lantas, i became content with my own work in hospital . rasa cam best tak pergi meeting. hanya bawak usrah je. takde perancangan. tak stress. balik rumah awal. makan best. dapat rehat. malam2 edit2 artikel. ataupun study. And kadang2 makan-makan dan hang out kat luar. Nikmati cantiknya KL waktu malam. takdelah balik lewat malam fikir sampai otak nak pecah planat. takdelah nak lepak rumah adik2 borak2 sampai 2-3 pagi… hurmmm

argh! This is not happeninggggggg!

And yet it happen to me. hhuhuhuhuh. rasa nak nangis je. I felt so sad towards myself. And I feel I have lost the battle. And now I totally understood, why so many of us, those who acquired tarbiyah in overseas, suddenly left this path when coming back to Malaysia.

Because we are just lost. And berada dalam dunia pekerjaan dan comfort zone family sangat mengujakan dan mengiurkan! ianya sangat manis sekali! gaji handsome. tak yah penat2 malam2 gi meeting gi usrah. duduk rumah, rehat,tengok tv, layan anak, layan facebook. layan movie. syokkkkkk apa!

aku still solat, aku still baca quran. aku still sedekah dan infak pada gaza. aku kadang2 dengar je ceramah kat tv alhijrah dan juga tgk youtube ustaz azhar idrus.

Im feeling good in what im doing..

so why bother susah2 nak berhadapan dengan family untuk pergi usrah dan involve dengan dakwah? Kenapa nak susah2 berhadapan dengan halangan mereka? Duduk rumah sudah. Happy. Pilihanraya pangkahlah mana yang patut. Dapat negara Islam. Habis cerita.

Hurm.

bestnya hidup camtukan. ingat mudah ke nak masuk syurga??. macamlah masuk syurga  sesenang camtu je. Kalau camtu ramai kot boleh masuk syurga.

Inilah ujian yang amat besar. Ujian kesenangan. Then I came to realize, I am  in denial, that Im actually entering that phase. Fasa rasa selesa dengan keadaan diri yang kurang beramal. Fasa selesa. Fasa ok-je-bawa-usrah sudahlah. Tanpa ada tujahan amal. Tanpa ada peluh di dahi memikirkan selumatnya tentng dakwah. TAnpa adrenalin rush dan rasa berdebar-debar untuk bergegas ke program dan akhirnya sampai juga di hadapan para murabbi. Tanpa ada kerisauan siang dan malam memikirkan prestasi dakwah diri sendiri dan mutarabbi.

And I know, when I tried to push myself, potraying how ok and good I was, i am just lying to myself. I know im not ok. I know I need strenght from within. Strength that I already lost. I know perhaps, I was lost because I was distracting myself with others, when I am facing this trials. I was distracted towards other than Allah.

And I became weaker and weaker. Suddenly I don’t know where this road is going.

I always aim to have perfect life. And I want to know where am I going. I want to have a clear vision what to achieve in dakwah.

I realise that, at times, when I didnt get what  I want, or I did not achieved what I aim for, I felt depress and useless. I feel sense of failure. Saya akan rasa hampeh dan saya tak boleh hadapi dunia luar.

Cause orang luar, dont know who I am and what happens to my life. All they see is my writing and my work which do not potray who I really am.

And when I became low, I felt so depress to show to the world how good I was , where in fact I was just lying to myself.

Only a few ppl I couldnt lie. My family and my mutarabbi. They see me through their hearts and eyes. And from them, most of the time, I gain back my strength.

Yes, perhaps, why I closed this blog not just to promote the actual website; muharikah.com, but mainly because I want to hide myself. I dont think I was the same person I was before. It is just so different coming back to Malaysia, where everything so glittery and so nice, and u feel ok when u don’t push yourself to the fullest. Because semua orang kelihatan begitu.

But I guess, all of us are the same. We go up, then we go down again. Then we learn the new route to climb up again. It is impossible to be at the same state of iman all the time.  It is the only way Allah want to teach us, to find the new spirit and to come back on track again.

We only have one life in this world. Definitely we have to live it to the fullest. Live the right way to Jannah.

 

Enough of my mumbling. Please make doa for me and for all of us.

So we can always, forever strive hard to get our place in Jannah.

 

Wassalam

 

ukhtikum fil islam

aisyahz

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “I was trying to be strong

    teman said:
    December 28, 2012 at 12:47 am

    sy tak tau nak tulis apa kat sini..sebab i’m not good in words.
    tp yang pasti sy akn selalu titipkan doakan untuk akq
    dan kita semua supaya terus thabat dalam jalan ni.
    doakan…

    zinnirah said:
    December 28, 2012 at 10:52 am

    welcome back my dear..
    sorry, i simply found my android emulator on my os too slow, gave up on that and hence i couldn’t contact u via whatsapp…….and oh skype, wait till my hubby reload again…..

    we’ll keep in touch again.
    it was nice to hear your voice though, meeting you, or talking to you was always too short.. i would miss u immediately after we have finished our conversation…. wishing for a day where we lay on the grass and look at the stars, and talk about life, and laugh at it….

    so aisyah, stay strong, you’ve done good……

      muharikah responded:
      January 11, 2013 at 2:15 pm

      zinn!! thanks for always dropping by and titipkan doa anti penuh bermakna itu ! Lap u!

    saya juga seorang manusia said:
    December 28, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    something yg kita x pernah lalui mmg kita akan rs susah, payah, sukar etc. being back in malaysia is tough. but coming back to uk is tougher (tempat kononnya bermulanya tanah tumpah tarbiyyah, manisnya tarbiyyah, etc3). & wish at this moment i’m back in msia. probably when back again in msia, rasa payah balik & mcm nk balik uk. things will never be the same – anywhere. tp percayalah kak, Allah sgt kenal kita & sbb tu dia tempatkan kita di tempat yg terbaik buat kita. although we may not like it, for Allah, we’ll go through it. inshaAllah. nothing will stop us to enter His syurga. may Allah bless each of our efforts.

    nakita1305 said:
    January 2, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Reading ur post ive been feeling as if im the one who are writing this because I am in the exact same situation! Depressed with how weak myself is when I was the one who once invited others to good, depressed.. I am also sometimes tired at how I ty to convince myself that I am not that bad, I mean I still try to seek for usrah though I am no longer the one who moves it but its just not the same.. and like u, I missed the feeling of having the sense of purpose and the feeling of assurance that I am on the right track..

    My point is, u are not alone in feeling this..and reading this i felt somehow glad knowing that i am not alone too..lets try not to give up cause as long as we walk, no matter how slow, we’ll still get there, but the main rules is we should strive to never stop

    We are struggling yes but a struggle means the war is
    still on and we are not totally giving up yet.

    I’ll pray that Allah would still choose us (even in our frailty sins n weaknesses) to be among that fights on His path insyaallah..

    I dont know u but pls know as sisters in islam I love u

    NHA 84 said:
    January 8, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    Salam ukhti fillah,

    ana salah sorang yg look up kt akk sbb bg ana ilmu DnT akk lebih bnyk dr ana. ana juga yg balik dari europe. Feel exactly how u feel mungkin xsampai rasa tak tahu nk buat apa. Cuma rasa family dh senang, gi kerja penat, nk gi usrah lg double penat. Ana sendiri at one time bila dlm usrah hati bkn kt usrah bt melayang tempat lain. Tapi Allah masih memberi kekuatan pada diri ana utk terus tsabat dlm jalan ini. Bg diri ana, kalo org lain tahu kita tak ok walaupun org nampak kte ok, akhawats or org2 sekeliling kte hanya mampu memberi semangat bt yg akan push adalah diri kita sendiri, xda org lain mampu utk beri ‘push’ itu kalo kite sendiri dah xnk. Moga Allah akan memberi kekuatan pada kte semua.

    Ana antara org yg agak sedih melihat sisters yg dulu sama2 gelak ketawa, sama2 nagis, sama2 pikul beban dakwah masa di europe dh xda dlm jalan ini. Sedih pun, it doesn’t solve anything pun. I can’t do anything just make doa for them.

    Moga Allah saling menguatkan hati2 kita.

    nadiah said:
    January 8, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    moga terus kuat..

      muharikah responded:
      January 11, 2013 at 2:14 pm

      jzkk akhawati atas sokongan dan semangat 🙂

    Aishahumaira said:
    January 13, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Assalamualaikum.
    Saya kenal akak hanya dari jauh. Dan kemungkinan besar akak xkenal saya pon. 🙂 Dan buat pertama kali mencoret komen di sini. Semoga akak dan akhowat lain terus tsabat dan refresh niat dan hamasah untuk islahkan diri. Sebab ummah ini rindu akan qudwah…

    sarah :) said:
    February 3, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    May you find your strength back. This is test from Him to make you stronger and to purify your heart.

    Dialah yang telah mentakdirkan adanya mati dan hidup (kamu) – untuk menguji dan menzahirkan keadaan kamu: siapakah di antara kamu yang lebih baik amalnya dan Ia Maha Kuasa (membalas amal kamu), lagi Maha Pengampun, (bagi orang-orang yang bertaubat) – ( Al Mulk :2)

    The beginning is the hardest but it is gonna worth it . insyaAllah

    everjihad said:
    March 14, 2013 at 11:34 am

    “I realise that, at times, when I didnt get what I want, or I did not achieved what I aim for, I felt depress and useless. I feel sense of failure. Saya akan rasa hampeh dan saya tak boleh hadapi dunia luar”.

    i feel ya sis!
    even some of them, I have not go through but some others the feeling exactly the same.

    and the truth to say, cant resist to feel how so hypocrite am I. and the hard feeling,feels like a loser.and myself is teasing the ‘good’ in me.

    pernah ada masa rasa sangat benci dgn diri sendiri. sebab mula rasa hipokrit je. always have the tease from inner, ‘ah sudahlah ko. bajet baik je.. (bila we ‘have’ to show we are ok in front of others, but actually we aren’t)

    looking back, mmg dissappointed. sad, depress, dissapointed with my ownself.
    sometimes, asking.. why? why this happen to me? why I’m like this? where is the spirit? where is the soul? where is the good shape of you? where it lost?

    at one point, truly hard to face the reality. in denial state. in ignorance. seruan ada je memanggil2, bukan tak nak sambut, but that feeling and sense just lost.

    looking back, sepanjang terjerumus ke kancah dnt, dari mula mengenal tarbiyyah, mengenal usrah, kemudian belajar menjadi kakak, dan melakonkan watak ‘kakak’ yang masih lagi adik dan keadik2an, memang pernah beberapa kali lost.

    true. sometimes lost with the direction.
    confuse.losing the vision. not sure what to do.
    hu. tau je punca dan sebab, tau je takpatut biar diri dalam comfort zone, tau je kena stop ‘lari’ / ‘hide’, tau patut stop justify our ‘reason’ / excuses. tapi tau yang kehilangan rasa. losing the ‘sense’ that once upon a time gifted to us.

    memang betul lah ending post akak,up and down in life Allah want us to learn to seek new route to climbing up again. kekuatan mencari balik. getting back the ‘good shape’ of our soul and spirit.

    teringat satu taujihat hati by sorang somebody

    hidup ni memang ujian. ujian kesenangan, kesusahan. ujian nikmat. everything around us is a test. kena ingat positif dgn ujian. tengok balik ujian2 kehidupan yg kita dah lalui,
    .
    bila kita lepas, sisi hidup kita akan bertambah baik. contoh lepas ujian tawakkal, datang rezeki dari arah tak sangka2. lepas ujian sabar, Allah bagi hasil buah kesabaran yg sangat nikmat n manis. hidup kita akan bertambah baik.

    kemudian Allah uji dgn benda lain pulak.
    utk kita tambah baik n baik lagi. ujian yang sentiasa untuk membina dir kita, mengimprove peribadi n menguatkan kekuatan dalaman kita.

    n mmg Allah akan uji titik lemah kita.
    angin lemah can be in any dots.

    boleh jadi kekuatan kita satu masa dulu jadi satu kelemahan.

    contoh : kekuatan kita yg petah, pandai bercakap, menulis yg lebat2, hebat2, buat ramai tersentuh, boleh jadi kita rasa lemah dengan kelebihan tu sebab kita sendiri dah tak ‘rasa’ dgn apa yg kita cakap n tulis, lemah dalam amali

    *tetiba teringat ada quote IHAB, medan bercakap tak sama dgn medan beramal. medan berjihad tak sama dengan medan menulis. ke camne tah bunyinya. tapi lain medan lain ujiannya.

    jugak boleh jadi kelemahan itu juga menjadi satu kekuatan.

    buktinya, kerana saya yang lost n rasa futur inilah mengerakkan hati mencari cahaya dan siraman iman mengaum, that what gets me here!

    err. sorry kak. I think I have ter’over’ komen buat mcm ni blog sendiri pulak. dah boleh jadi post artikel dah.. =,=. heh. i’ve no idea where all this come from. hopefully from Allah. mula2 mcm nak share ape yg sy rasa exactly the same as how you feel. pastu, tertambah2 lak mcm2 dtg dlm kepala. *sebenarnya, apa yg sy tulis ni reflection for myself. huhu..

    ~adik yg sedang mahu pulih dari futur

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s